An Ode to Lizzie Saltzman

Legacies: Season 1 || Episode 10 || Author: Tiffani

Okay okay okay…I’ve been totally slacking on the Legcies reviews lately. Just life and tiredness and….wheew…lets just move on from that. I’m going to be bulk reviewing the last three episodes. Okay, no..I’m going to be gushing over my new favorite character with some other bits thrown in between. Look, I can’t help it! The last few episodes have turned me into someone who’s more or less sympathetic but mostly ambivalent about Lizzie Saltzman to someone that absolutely adores her. She’s close to topping my favorite baby Mikaelson, okay? That’s what these last few episodes have done. Now if only Plec and co could do that for Landon Kirby!

Anyways, on to the review!

If you watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then you pretty much know how this episode goes. Well not really, the wisher died in the Buffy episode (praise hands for Cordelia Chase everyone! Lizzie’s archetype) and the wisher in Legacies was more or less protected

Anyway, Lizzie and Josie come stomping (well Lizzie stomps, Josie more or less glides) back into school after Alaric forgot to pick them up from the airport. Hope tries to come to his defense, motioning towards the newest creature attracting artifact, and Lizzie, rightfully (in my opinion) shuts it down. It would suck that after getting off of a long ass flight, your rides ditches you and you’re forced to find alternate means of transportation. For hours. Through bum-fuck Virginia (I can say that, I live in the DMV — an area where the lines between DC, Maryland, and Virginia more or less mingle. Turn down one street, and you end up in another state. Literally. It’s happened to me on more than one occasion). She got a lot of flack for throwing a hissy about this on the interwebs but…bruh….I’d be pissed too. Like, we not family anymore pissed.

Lizzie goes off to her room to calm down and in pops the Monster of the week Abblah (Djinni if you’re nasty). Djinn followed Lizzie from Alaric’s office having sensed that the fairer Saltzman twin would be more susceptible to her charms. To make this part short, I’ll just separate based on wishes:

Wish #1:I wish Hope had never come to this school

I dream of Djinni

This one doesn’t seem so bad at first glance. I mean, Alaric is actually a decent dad. Training his daughters instead of Hope Mikaelson —the person at the school that unarguably needs the least training— because she’s not there! Liz is happy because her dad wants to spend time with her and her sister.

Of course, there’s a downside. Without Hope: they’re broke AF. Like…eating off brand Cheerios broke. Like we can’t even afford a Swiffer duster to clean the cobwebs, broke. Like, no one wants to sit on the couches without covering them first, broke.

Without the money, it’s harder for the Salvatore school to find willing recruits, and therefore no cash from other students with wealthy-ish families to help supplement every day costs. Lizzie’s all:

So, she takes a page out of Hope’s witch book, and spells a dusty old globe into an interactive locator spell for supernatural creatures. The brighter the spot on the map, the more powerful the creature. Alaric and Josie notice a huge bright spot on the map in —if you watched The Originals— you guess it! NOLA. Birth place of the one and only….Hope Mikaelson. And she’s inherited her mother’s decorum

(above gif set found here)

Except this Hope is a full on tribrid! Still having lost her parents, Hope has triggered her vampire nature and the Salzman’s find her mid-feed in Russo’s. This whole segment highlights one of my biggest gripes with Legacies and it’s revisionist history with Hope and her lack of family. Hope still has *deep breath* Freya, Kol, Rebekah, Marcel, Davina, Keelin, and Vincent (who she sent Landon to not even 3 episodes ago). None of who would let Hope go one a feeding free for all in the middle of the day. Powerful as Hope is, the combination of those 7 would be able to come up with something to temper baby Mikaelson’s more Klaus like tendencies. It would’ve made more sense if they’d met Hollow!Hope instead. But I digress….

They bring Hope back to school where Alaric immediately attaches to her, while a sullen Lizzie (and a weirdly joyful Josie) look on in the distance. Time for…

Wish #2: “I wish there was never a Salvatore School to begin with

This one, the bad parts (for Lizzie at least) are immediately apparent. She’s in the backseat, for crying out loud!! Josie is sporting longer hair and a cooler outfit (not school appropriate, mind you. I went to public school, so I know okay?!) while Lizzie is in a plain shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Lizzie follows behind Josie, trying to get the low low on their place at the school. But Josie is having none of it and asks her sister to please keep her mental health issues in check. This is where I started getting annoyed.

My favorite duo

Josie’s obviously thriving at public school. She’s dating that Connor kid, she’s homecoming queen, and best friends with mental-health-shammer and all around horrible person, Dana. First words out of Dana’s mouth shame Lizzie for being bipolar.

“Kinda glad she and Connor and done for”

Alaric, on the other hand…is a drunk (and this is different from normal Alaric, how?) who for some reason hates teaching? Even though it was literally his job for all 8 seasons of TVD (I think? IDk I stopped watching that show around the time Care-bear got magically inseminated with the twins)
Josie starts giving Lizzie a hard time for not stealing some watch that Stefanie Salvatore’s dad (clunky way of not name dropping Damon Salvatore) gave him. Point is, Josie is looking to expose her self to her boyfriend. But not in the way that you think! She wants to show him that she’s a witch. And also…exactly in the way that you think. Lizzie is less than impressed (same girl!)

Either way, Lizzie runs off to do Josie’s bidding (because deep down, Lizzie does want her sister to be happy). She finds her father passed on drunk in his classroom (how does he still have this job). Abblah (djinni) gives Lizzie the business about wishing her father’s dream away (which…what? Alaric created the school primarily to be a safe space for his daughters. Not to be some kind of Supernatural Noah). She tries to get Lizzie to make another wish, but Lizzie’s more or less on to her game now. She’s just gonna ride this one out. At least there’s no Hope!

Remember when Hope used to be a redhead?

On her way to give Josie the magical watch, she spots Connor and Dana making out in the school parking lot. (Also…what?! If high school kids are gonna cheat, even they’re smart enough not to do it out in the open!). She tries to tell Josie, but she ain’t hearing it. Josie goes off on Lizzie for being a drain on their family and the reason they’re all so unhappy all the time.

And Lizzie, predictably, loses control of herself and has a magically induced tantrum in the middle of school! But who comes to the rescue in their slick car with the suicide doors? The one, the only Hope motherfudging Mikaelson.

Gif curtesy of katyazhuravlik

Along with Kaleb, Jed, and the cutest little baby witch this side on NOLA, Pedro. Josie and Hope make eyes at each other, and the pleather clad avengers squad whisks the Saltzman’s off to…The Mikaelson Academy.

Turns out, instead of entering into a suicide pact with his brother, Klaus Mikaelson decided to do the fatherly thing and live for his daughter. He created the Mikaelson Academy, probs because he finally cottoned on to the fact that his daughter was lonely and wanted friends. Or to create a secret army of supernatural kids totally devoted to him to replace the sireline he lost back in TO season 3 thanks to his sister-in-laww, Davina Claire. (lets be honest here, Klaus is not THAT altruistic).
Lizzie gets tired of watching Hope and her sister getting cozy on the couch, which leads us to….

Wish #3: “I wish Hope Mikaelson had never been born

Immediately….this scenario is straight BASURA! Lizzie wakes up on a bus bench surrounded by flyers of some of our faves ( MG, Emma, Rafael, and KLAUS). Kaleb, the one that woke her up in the first place, is urging her to bring them to new underground railroad for supernatural creatures. Turns out some agency called Triad (remember them) have ramped up their efforts to kill all supernatural creatures, sending most of them into hiding. What started this supernatural Holocaust, you ask? Why, none other than Klaus Mikaelson and his wife Caroline….deep sigh

No shade to the Klaroline fam, I just….that was dumb detail to add

Without the unconditional love of his daughter, Klaus went on a Hybrid style killing spree, outing the entire supernatural community to the world. Triad’s really out to kill him, which HA! Without that random white oak stake that Klaus his for some reason or another, how bruh?

Anyway, Lizzie leads them back to the Salvatore house. It looks abandoned from the outside but inside, they find a funeral in progress. “Who died” Lizzie asks, which gains her the ire of one Penelope Park. Alaric comes in before anything can really happen.

Once alone, Lizzie finds out that the funeral was for Josie. And that Lizzie herself was the one that killed her. Naturally, Lizzie doesn’t take this well.

She starts having an episode, but Penelope is there to knock her out before she can really get going.

Alaric and co lock her in the dungeon until she’s calm enough to be released, which ….counter-productive. And lowkey reminiscent of what society used to do with people who had mental afflictions in the olden days. They don’t really address this in the show, so let’s just hand wave that.
Here, Djinni finally lets her real motives out. If Lizzie wishes the urn (Malivore artifact #2) to her, then she will reset Lizzie’s reality. There are plenty of pluses to Lizzie just giving in and doing what Djinni wants: Josie will still be alive, Alaric will be happy, and all of Lizzie’s friends will be safe and sound (mostly Pedro. Pedro is Lizzie’s only friend….more on that later).

But Lizzie, because she’s awesome, doesn’t bite the bait. Yes, she would get to fix everything but then the monsters would win. And this supernatural apocalypse (that has still yet to be defined in show.) will be unleashed on the world!( which… will all supernatural creatures die or will it just release all of the ones inside? If it’s the latter, what’s the real harm? Sure, there are creatures in there that’re, but they already live in a world full of vampires, witches, and werewolves. All of whom have done PLENTY of damage all by their lonesome).

Djinni ups the anti-by showing Lizzie the supernatural war currently happening right above her. Triad’s found the Saltzmans’ hiding place and is seeking to kill all the creatures they have hidden there. The students seem to be holding their own for now…

Original gif set found here

But you can tell the tide will turn eventually. They’ll all die, Lizzie’s father included, if she doesn’t do what Djinni asked of her. Still, Lizzie refuses. So Djinni tries to attack her emotionally, calling her selfish and broken. Lizzie cops to all of this, saying the thing that sparked my love for her…

She does make a wish, however. Wishing that Djinni had never met the creature that stuck her in Malivore in the first place. You see, Djinnis’ are born having to complete 500 years of service, granting other people’s wishes. After the 500th year, they’re free. Abblah was thrown into Malivore on year 499, so you can see why she’s salty about it.

Abblah is both surprised…and grateful. Lizzie freed her. But there’s a catch. Lizzie won’t remember anything she learned during her wishing spree. That means, she won’t have knowledge of the axe that’s been unknowingly hanging over the twins’ heads since birth —the infamous gimini merge. The reason their birth mother has been mostly absent this past year. And the reason Lizzie inevitably kills her beloved sister. Abblah warns her that because of this, there’s a huge chance that Lizzie will kill her sister some time in the future. Abblah apologizes for that, but is thankful for her freedom all the same. She snaps her fingers as a tearful Lizzie begs to take her wish back.

Boom! We’re back where we started at the beginning of the episode. Lizzie’s staring at herself in the mirror, but instead of Djinni, in walks Josie alive and well. Lizzie runs to her sister and embraces her. Lizzie and Josie are both confused as to the reason, but Josie seems grateful for the hug nonetheless.

gif set found here

Lizzie apologizes to her dad about her hissy fit earlier (I still think it was warranted) and admits that Hope is a sore spot for her (more on that in episode 12!) but her mother gave her some tools to cope with her episodes (like a good parent) which she’s been trying to use ( to hilarious effect in episode 11). She and Hope meet in the hallway, the latter of whom tries to extend a literal olive branch to the other. Lizzie isn’t having it, which is odd given her more recent overtures, but we do get insight on that in a later episode (again, episode 12) and it makes complete sense in hindsight.

All this time, Lizzie has been talking to someone (we get flashes of her making a sandwich in the kitchen and hear her voice over her interactions with Hope and Alaric). And who is Lizzie talking to? Her bff Pedro, of course! After she unloads, she sends the baby witch off to bed…without his sandwich! She eats it while she ponders over why she feels different, but can’t seem to come up with the why….

I care that instead of being welcomed at the airport we were forced to take a shuttle ride that smelled like an open sewer….and feet!” – added because my mom, who was hopped up on painkillers at the time, woke up out of half sleep to chuckle at this. Anyone that has taken public transpo in the DMV knows that it’s not the best. Anyone that has ever taken public transpo in the US, knows that it doesn’t always smell….fresh

Oh thank God. I mean, don’t get me wrong that is a terrible idea, but but for a second there—” “And I’m going to have sex with him” “…yep that was it.” – Lizzie is a gem

“…sonofabitch” –Lizzie again

I dunno, Lizzie. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on.” – PEDRO!!!

But you said you wanted to talk!” “Did I?….I can’t imagine why” – Pedro and Lizzie again. More of these two please.

Legacies Recap: The Problem with Landon Kirby

Season 01 Episode 09

Legacies: Season 1 || Episode 09 || Author: Tiffani

Another Thursday, another thoroughly entertaining episode of Legacies. I’ll be the first to admit that I was one of the many Originals fans ready to write this series off after the cluster-frack that was the Originals series finale (You killed off both of them?! Really?), but this little series that could has grown on me. I look forward to it every week and that’s saying something for me and my attention span.

So lets get into it.

The episode starts out with Landon’s maybe daddy (my prediction for this season) poking around a Triad industries warehouse looking for info on the bad ass, gold medalist diving, Seylah Whateverherlastnameis. He finds out something been knew (for about a week, but whatever): that she was once tossed into the black goop same as the other monsters of the week. Only she somehow got an early dismissal. Also, if Seylah was only in the goop for 2 years and she came out pregnant with Landon, shouldn’t he be 18 by now? And therefore no longer a ward of the state? IDK, I can’t math

Whatevs, on to Pedro!

Little cutie baby (that definitely had a growth spurt between episode 3 and now) Pedro wakes up in the middle of a dark, stormy night to tapping on his window (in a room that he shares with like 50 other kids. Is this how the other half of the school that isn’t a principal cast member lives?! I have questions). He goes over to check it out (you know like any regular 7 year old would) and finds himself face to face with La lorrona wannabe! He wakes up screaming. His roommates are very understanding.

Now we’re back with Alaric and baby Mikaelson and they’re giving us a recap of last week’s episode. Landon found his mom, Hope still remembers it even if he doesn’t, and all they’ve got show for it is an Egyptian urn. Alaric is quick wake the other students up and give them the 411 on the potential of a new monster and they’re all more upset about the fact that they still have to take their finals that week. Meanwhile, Landon’s stressing over his new girlfriend, Hope, ghosting him. And Raf, Hope’s new bff, is all:

Raf goes off to study for his exams but ends up falling asleep in the Stefan Salvatore Memorial Library.

He’s woken up by a weirdly flirty Hope. She kisses him (and note he does not stop her) and bam! He’s being getting beat by a past foster dad. Raf is scared in a way we haven’t seen (at least not since episode 1 during his involuntary exorcism), but he’s cognizant enough to notice La Llorona chilling in the background, like

She wants the Egyptian urn. Raf gets slapped with the belt and he jolts awake. That’s a lovely bruise on your arm, kid.

(Roswell commercial reminds me that I need to catch up)

Raf immediately goes to Alaric to tell him what happened. Alaric (ever perceptive about boys crushing on his adoptive daughters) notices how uncomfortable and dodgy Rafael is with Hope while she’s feeling on his dream bruise (she patches up a lot of people this ep). Anyways, he tells them about the woman asking for her corners about the urn.

Alaric calls another assembly to update the older students (the babies got evacuated to the Lockwood Mansion). And they’re all like “Can we cancel finals now, Mr Saltzman?!” And he’s all, “Nah, gotta take them standardized tests so we can keep our accreditation, bruhs”. Resident pop culture buff MG points out that this monster is like Freddy Kruger. Alaric obviously hasn’t seen Nightmare on Elm Street because he’s all “Except whatever happens in your dreams happens to you in real life.” So, you know… Freddy Kruger.

He tells his students who are preparing for the finals not to go to sleep. So, you know…just like any other finals week (for me).

Landon finally gets Hope’s attention after the assembly, but she’s just as dodgy as ever. (She’s still keeping his mom’s death a secret from him). He keeps pushing and it’s at this point I’m reminded how much nicer Hope is than her parents. Both of them would’ve told Landon to kick rocks by now and then stood there looking mildly guilty while he walked off dejectedly (or at least Hayley would’ve felt guilty).

Instead, Hope tries to get Landon to evacuate with the other students, but he’s on his Jack Dawson “you jump I jump” shit and tells her that he’s not leaving.

He heads off to class and falls asleep during MG’s beautiful presentation about how Dracula and all the vampire books that followed were all inherently misogynistic (you tell it MG!). Landon jolts awake and suddenly finds himself in the middle of a final exam he didn’t study for. Then, like the basic that he his, stands up to find himself in his undwear in the middle of class. Everyone laughs while La Llorona is chilling in the back, like “Gimme my 2 dollars, B!”

He stabs himself in the hand to wake himself up. Just like his brother, he immediately heads off to find Hope and Alaric and does that thing where he tries to make a joke about how bad his life’s been.

Alaric tries to get him to evacuate, but he’s moved on to being Bella Swan now.

He pokes at Hope about how he had to stab himself with a pencil to get her attention (during finals week and under the threat of a new monster, I might add) and she’s as elusive as ever. He turns to Alaric for advice and Alaric basically tells him the same thing Rafael told him earlier: just leave her alone.

Hope heads off to the school gym looking to spar and finds Rafael. They have a cute little scene where we get clued into where Rafael’s emerging feelings for Hope stem from: she’s practicably indestructible. Anyway, he gives Hope the business about avoiding his homie and on being liar (he picked up on her keeping a secret). And she’s all “I’m keeping a secret from him to protect him” and Raf is all “that’s dumb”. Hope has that “you right, but Imma keep being stubborn” look that she inherited from her daddy.

I miss him so much *cries*

Trying to prove his usefulness (you don’t have to try so hard, boo!) Landon hits the books and finds a clue about the monster of the week. It’s not actually La llorona, but an honery…an ornery…a “Black winged shape shifting dream demon”.

Hope brings this to the boys (because the last 3 episodes have literally been a sausage fest without the Saltzman twins and nuKatherine, Penelope Park). Landon still refuses to leave if Hope stays. Raf refuses to leave without Landon. Mg is staying because he’s not Steve Rogers loyal to his avengers buddy, Hope. And Kaleb isn’t gonna leave his vampbro, MG (“No child left behind“). Now that that’s settled, they all set up in the gym on Lizzie and Raf’s sex mat and do something that I’ve never been able to do during sleepovers: immediately fall asleep.

Hope stands watch while they all visit their own personal nightmares. Kaleb is scared of being tortured by anti-vampire bigots (humans). MG is scared of becoming the new Stefan Salvatore a ripper. Raf is scared of his wolfish nature and his feelings for Hope and how it could hurt Landon. Landon is scared of classrooms and small spaces (and this is the crux of why I have yet to warm up to Landon as his own character. I will expand on that in a later article, prolly). All this aside, Landon’s the one to bring the demon into the real world (i think). Now Dream demon is roaming the halls, looking for Hope’s hiding place for the urn (that’s what she whispered to Landon before sending him off to dream land). Turns out, Hope lied to Landon about where she hid it (again showing Machiavellian shades of poppa Klaus). Any who…

The boys, now awake, can hear the random thumping of Dream Monster v Hope (why didn’t we get to see more of this?!), but the only thing on Landon’s mind is why Hope was Raf’s dream. (Maybe worry about the fact that ya girls missing and there’s someone obviously fighting something right above your head).

Raf lies and says she was there being a badass and in comes Hope….being a badass. The boys all prepare to give back up, but Hope is all “I got this!” (LMAO at Landon in the background with his tiny fists raised. That was cute) and immediately gets choked out. The boys stand there and watch (seriously?!), but Alaric isn’t useless, and comes in with an arrow and tells Hope to stab it through the eyes. She does, and the monster is vapor.

Buffy Style

So that’s now:
Malivore Monsters: 1
Hope: 2
Alaric: 1
Dorian: 1
Random Land Mine: 1

Later on, Hope bumps into Raf in the hallway and asks him what the hell is going on with him. He’s been being distant with her in the same way she’s been distant with Landon. Raf tells her that he can’t be her sounding board anymore(you know, that thing her boyfriend has been begging her to let him be for her all episode) because Landon’s his homie and he’d rather lose Hope as a friend than hurt his foster brother. He leaves Hope standing in the hallway making a face that is a mixture of both her parents. (Seriously, a-plus casting with Danielle Rose Russell.)

Landon finds her sitting in front of the infamous Salvatore fireplace (the TVD spot for pouring your heart out to the love of your life). He lets her know that whatever is going on with her, he’s prepared to fight for her. After facing his biggest fears (you know, not fitting in and small spaces), he’s no longer scared of the fact that he’s hitting above his pay grade by dating her and he’s going to work on himself for her (work on you for you kids!). Since Hope’s empathy game is on one thousand, she gives him a much deserved kiss.

Note: the kissing noises in this scene were so loud..

We end with Landon’s maybe daddy visiting the home of Hector and Maria —Landon and Raf’s former foster parents. He tries to get information about Landon’s whereabouts, but they just keep repeating that he’s been adopted by a nice family in Virginia. Because Landon’s maybe daddy isn’t dumb, he notes that they’re either be-spelled (Hope) or been compelled (by literally anyone. If Hector and Maria live in Georgia, Hope’s definitely got some very old, very adept at compulsion family members just around the corner in LA). They invite maybe daddy inside, and part of me wonders if he’s a vampire. If so…then I have to stop calling him maybe daddy and that makes me sad.

Extra Thought:

  • Still big props to legacies for having not one not two but four men of color in a leading roll. That’s more than all of the other CW shows combined (especially now since All American is probably all but cancelled)
  • The end of the episode gave us a sing along with MG, Landon, and Kaleb, but how did they get there? Kaleb hates humans and isn’t the most inclusive person. Through MG, maybe, but Kaleb only ever goes along with what MG wants to do when it either a) aligns with his own wants or b) to keep MG from getting himself killed. I would like to see these things!
  • Alaric only calls his daughters in his nightmares…there’s something wrong here
  • Speaking of the twins, they’re with Caroline!!! (of course she’d make them take their finals even while they were on vacation)
  • I miss Penelope
  • There are only 3 members of the Legacies Avengers squad! THREE!
  • I miss having Phoebe Tonkin’s face on my tv


I can’t exactly call the state accreditation board and tell them we’re canceling exams because of monsters.”

Dracula as a novel has only retained relevance in modern times because of our patriarchal culture’s obsession with the idea of a privileged, powerful man who does whatever he wants with absolute impunity, meaning we spent weeks in this class analyzing the literary value of a character who abuses consent in every way possible.” Tell them, MG!

You’re the one that’s going to save the day, which is really sexy by the way” Same, Landon. Same.

You know, I couldn’t fully decide on a new hiding spot, so I just stashed it under my pillow.” ~ Hope went to the Damon school of hiding magical mcguffins. Hiding an urn under a pillow is almost just as bad as hiding a moonstone in a soap dish. Good thing the Dream Demon isn’t on Katherine levels of finding things.

You don’t have to be so hard on yourself. At my last school, the gym teacher was dealing coke under the bleachers.” See there’s little moments where I do genuinely like Landon

Are we alive? Did we win?” MG is adorable